The Arkham Solution
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When the new mayor of Gotham introduces a radical new solution to take care of the inmates of Arkham Asylum, Batman is forced to choose either to be on the side of the law, or the side of the lunatics.
1. Chapter 1

**The Arkham Solution**

"I just don't think it's a good idea," said Dr. Leland firmly.

"Excuse me, Dr. Leland, but the mayor isn't interested in your thoughts," said the PA, coldly. "He is merely interested in informing you that he will be visiting with a few select guests at the end of the week to inspect this facility and its inmates. And he trusts you will have this facility and its inmates ready for inspection."

"It's not as simple as that," snapped Dr. Leland.

"I don't see why not," replied the PA. "This facility should always be kept up to the highest standards of…"

"I'm not talking about the facility," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I'm talking about the inmates. If you really expect them just to sit quietly and behave while the mayor and his cronies stare at them, like animals in a zoo, then I'm afraid you are completely unfamiliar with the inmates of this facility."

"That is neither my problem nor the mayor's," retorted the PA. "It's yours. As head of this institution, you are responsible for the behavior of its inmates. I would suggest that you use your power and authority to make them behave."

Dr. Leland snorted. "I may be good, but I'm not a miracle worker. Even Batman can't make the Joker behave."

"I repeat, this is not the mayor's problem," said the PA, rising. "It's yours. I have done you the courtesy of informing you of his visit, which is more than generous. I trust you will have everything prepared in good time. I will see you then, Dr. Leland. Goodbye."

The PA left Dr. Leland's office, and she stared after him, astounded. Her astonishment quickly turned into a mass of other emotions – annoyance, rage, and mostly concern. She sighed heavily, standing up and slowly making her way down the hall to the cafeteria, where the inmates were having lunch. Or at least, that was what they were supposed to be doing. She sighed heavily again as she heard shouting and screaming coming from the room.

She entered to see the guards trying to hold back a very angry Poison Ivy from attacking the Joker, who was giggling uncontrollably. "What happened?" demanded Dr. Leland, rushing over to them.

"This bastard slipped vegetables into my food!" screamed Ivy, lunging forward. "He thinks it's really funny to make me eat my own babies! It's not funny, you monster, it's just disgusting!"

"Well, why don't you go all bulimic and throw them up, then, Pammie?" chuckled Joker. "You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway, y'know."

Ivy screamed and started forward again. "Red, Mr. J, stop it, please!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, stepping in between them. "Why can't we all just get along?"

"Because he's a vicious, evil, sick creep!" shrieked Ivy.

"That ain't a nice way to talk about the man I love, Red!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, he's doing you a favor! People need veggies so they're healthy – he's probably saving you from cancer or something! But you always gotta see the worst in him!"

"Yeah, since when am I the bad guy, Pammie?" asked Joker, in mock offense. "At least Harley appreciates my loving and generous nature," he cooed, patting her on the head. She squeaked happily and kissed him. "What is your problem with me anyway, Pammie?" he asked, grinning at Ivy. "Why are you always picking fights? Is it jealousy? Got a craving to get down with the clown, huh?"

"I would rather sleep with Scarecrow!" snapped Ivy. "No offense, Professor," she said, turning to him.

"None…taken," said Jonathan Crane, slowly, looking up from his book. "Although actually there is. When did I become the lowest common denominator? I thought that was Eddie Nygma!"

"I could have said Nygma, but you were there," retorted Ivy. "Look, it's nothing personal, Johnny, you're just not my type. Just like J isn't my type."

"Count your blessings, guys, she's the kinda bitch who loves you and leaves you," muttered Two-Face.

"Shut up, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "You just can't let it go, can you?"

"And why should I let it go, you selfish tramp?" demanded Two-Face.

"Everyone just calm down!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Pamela, you can either sit quietly and finish your lunch with the others, or you can be escorted back to your cell without finishing your lunch. The choice is yours."

"Isn't he gonna be punished?" shouted Ivy, throwing a finger at Joker.

"And how do you suggest I go about doing that?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"I think Harley could give you a few ideas, Doc," chuckled Joker. "She just loves her punishments, doncha, pooh?"

"Mmm hmm, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him.

"Pamela, please, just be the better person," said Dr. Leland. "I have enough on my mind at the moment without having to deal with squabbles among the inmates."

Ivy glared at Joker but sat back down slowly. Joker chuckled. "She wants me," he murmured.

Ivy punched him in the face, and the guards seized her again, dragging her off to her cell as she struggled to break free, shouting insults back at Joker.

Dr. Leland sighed. "Ok, listen up everyone," she said. "The mayor is planning a visit here at the end of the week. It's very important to this facility, and to me personally, that you're all on your best behavior while he's here."

Joker giggled. "Sure, Doc, no problemo," he said, grinning. "We'll put on quite a show for the old mayor."

"Not a show, Joker," growled Dr. Leland. "I don't want a show, a joke, a gag, a game, or anything of the kind. Could you please just be good and not do anything while he's here? Just sit in your cell and smile. I know you've got a lot of practice smiling."

"Aw, Doc, where's your sense of fun?" asked Joker, smiling. "It ain't every day the mayor honors us with his presence. I'm sure he'd enjoy a little entertainment."

"Joker, please," said Dr. Leland, seriously. "Please, please, please, I'm begging you. Don't do anything. My job is on the line here."

Joker nodded. "Ok, Doc, you've always been a decent gal to me, and I know Harley here is pretty fond of you," he said, ruffling her hair. "So I'll be good."

"Do you promise?" asked Dr. Leland.

He grinned. "Doncha trust me, Doc?" he murmured.

"I suppose I'll have to," sighed Dr. Leland.

"Why is the mayor coming?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "He's never shown any interest in visiting before."

"He's the new mayor," said Dr. Leland, shrugging. "I guess he wants to implement some new policies, or use it as a publicity stunt or something."

"I didn't know we had a new mayor," said Two-Face. "Guess I've been locked up in here longer than I thought."

"Yeah, he's only been in office about two weeks," said Dr. Leland. "Mayor Richard Hunt."

Crane's book suddenly clattered to the ground as he looked up, horrified, at Dr. Leland. "What…did you say?" he stammered.

"Mayor Richard Hunt," she repeated, puzzled.

"Richard…Hunt?" stammered Crane. "Can you describe him?"

Dr. Leland shrugged. "Late 40s, maybe. Dark hair, average height, blue eyes, from what I can remember from his campaign posters. Oh, he has got a distinctive feature, a kinda scar just above his eyebrow, like he's been cut or something."

"That's him," murmured Crane. "That's him. That's Richard Hunt."

"You know him?" asked Dr. Leland, surprised.

Crane nodded. "I went to school with him," he replied. "I gave him that scar."

"You did?" repeated Dr. Leland, astonished. "How?"

"I just got…sick of the bullying," he muttered. "And so one day I snapped. He was going to shove me in my locker again, but that day I had brought a knife…and I cut him. It was so good, so gratifying, to see the look of terror, of fear and terror and pain in his eyes as he screamed, as the blood ran from his wound. The blood that washed clean my humiliation of being picked on by him day after day…"

His hands had tightened into fists and there was a murderous gleam in his eyes. He noticed everyone staring at him and cleared his throat. "Perhaps a more thorough explanation is in order. He was in the grade above me at school. I was always an exceptionally bright student, and as such had to suffer my share of bullying. But Richard was the worst. He was incredibly popular – I don't know why, with a name like Richard Hunt, you'd have expected him to be bullied too. His name was Dick Hunt, for God's sake! It wouldn't take the Joker to see the funny side of that! But the other students loved him. Women wanted him, and men wanted to be him. He was always so charismatic – he had to be, he couldn't get ahead with his intelligence, so he had to get ahead by being popular. He hated me, and I hated him. He was jealous of my brains, and I was contemptuous of the ignorant buffoon. So he spent his days tormenting me, until the day I fought back. And after that…after that I was transferred to a different school, so I didn't see him again. Apparently bringing a weapon into a school is a criminal offence. But as I told them at the time, the real offence was the fact that he was allowed to hurt me and no one cared. No one would do anything about it, because he was so beloved and popular. What else was I supposed to do? I had to stand up for myself. And so I did. It was their fault, and his fault, not mine."

Dr. Leland stared at him. "And this is the mayor who is coming to visit this facility at the end of the week?" she murmured.

"Apparently so," replied Crane.

Dr. Leland sighed heavily again. "Great," she muttered, leaving the room. "Just great. Better start the job hunt now, Joan. By Friday, you'll be needing a new one."


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you nervous, sir?" asked Alfred, glancing in the car mirror to see Bruce Wayne fiddling with his tie. "I know Mayor Hunt doesn't come across as the nicest man, but surely he doesn't intimidate Batman?"

Bruce smiled. "It's not the new mayor I'm nervous about, Alfred. He's the one who invited me, so I'm sure he'll be perfectly charming. He clearly wants Wayne Enterprises on his side. I'm actually nervous about why the mayor wants us to take a tour around Arkham Asylum. I'm not comfortable with seeing its inmates when I'm not Batman. I'm used to it, living a double life and everything, but Batman knows these people so well. It will be difficult for Bruce Wayne to appear that he doesn't."

"I'm sure you'll perform splendidly, sir, as always," said Alfred.

Bruce nodded, sighing. "Sometimes it seems like my whole life is a performance, Alfred."

"Whose isn't, sir?" asked Alfred, dryly. "All the world's a stage, after all."

"Little early in the day for Shakespeare, Alfred," replied Bruce. "Not before I've had my coffee."

"It's in the flask, sir," replied Alfred, nodding.

"Alfred, you're a treasure," said Bruce gratefully, pouring himself a cup.

"Late night last night, sir?" asked Alfred.

Bruce nodded. "Freeze. I brought him back to Arkham early this morning. I doubt they'll have had time to make him presentable for us."

"You'll forgive me for mentioning it, sir, but taking a tour of Arkham Asylum doesn't seem like the best idea for the mayor to have," said Alfred. "Why is he doing it?"

Bruce shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. Good thing Batman's there if anything goes wrong."

A few minutes later, they pulled up into the parking lot of Arkham, where a swarm of press were filming the mayor talking to Dr. Leland. The cameras all immediately turned and started flashing as Bruce stepped out of the car.

"Mr. Wayne!" exclaimed Mayor Hunt, heading down the steps toward him with outstretched hands. "So glad you could make it!" he said, wringing his hand enthusiastically.

"It's a pleasure to be here, Mr. Mayor," said Bruce, smiling.

"Allow me to introduce Dr. Leland," said Mayor Hunt, gesturing.

"No introductions are necessary, Mr. Wayne. And let me just say how grateful Arkham is for your incredibly generous annual donations on behalf of our patients," said Dr. Leland, beaming at him.

"Well, it's important to help out the less fortunate," said Bruce, sincerely. "There but for the grace of God go I, as the saying goes. And I firmly believe that if we are able to find the right treatments, we can rehabilitate a great majority of these poor people."

"Although perhaps I might suggest that in future, Dr. Leland, Mr. Wayne's donations be spent on improved security measures rather than patient treatment," said Mayor Hunt. "While of course we must always hope for rehabilitation, my primary concern is the safety of the innocent people of this city, the people who have been good enough to put their trust in me, and who are constantly put in danger by the homicidal lunatics contained in this facility. As you probably know, one of my campaign pledges was 'a safer Gotham no matter what it takes.' I intend to fulfill that pledge."

"And a very admirable one it is too," said Dr. Leland, nodding. "Shall we, gentlemen?" she asked, gesturing inside.

Bruce felt incredibly disconcerted as he entered the building, a building he had entered a thousand times before usually dragging some supercriminal or other behind him. It was odd to be unburdened now, to enter as a guest and to watch the doctors and employees treat him with friendly deference, as opposed to the slightly fearful awe he was greeted with normally.

Dr. Leland was talking, giving them facts and figures, but Bruce wasn't listening. He was glancing at the patients as they went down the cell block, remembering a hundred different fights and arrests, night after night. The story of his life.

And then suddenly, there he was. The Ace of Knaves, the Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker himself, lying on his bed with his hands above his head. He saw them, and started in surprise when he noticed Bruce. Bruce always feared that one day he would see a glimmer of recognition in his eyes, a sudden realization of who his nemesis actually was, but there was nothing but the usual, terrible, mocking smile.

"Well, as I live and breathe! Bruce Wayne!" he cried, leaping out of bed and rushing over to the bars. "It isn't every day we have a celebrity visit, especially not eye candy like you! You'll wanna watch your back in here – if you're not careful, the Weed Lady will have her roots wrapped around you quicker than you can say 'Poison Ivy.' And believe me, you don't want what she's got," he chuckled. "What're you doing slumming down here, Rich Boy? Come to see how the other half live?"

"Joker, Mr. Wayne is here as one of the mayor's guests," said Dr. Leland. There was no hiding the anxiety in her voice and eyes.

"Oh right, Mr. Dick Hunt!" exclaimed Joker, turning his attention to the mayor and chuckling. "Gotta have a sense of humor with a name like that, huh, Dicky?"

"You may call me Mr. Mayor," said Mayor Hunt, coldly. "I expect you to show a certain amount of respect for my office, Joker."

Joker laughed. "Ah, you're a funny guy, Dicky!" he giggled. "Expect me to show a certain amount of respect for your office, that's a great one! Heard you used to give old Johnny Crane there swirlies. Can't say that I blame you. He does ask for the crap to get kicked outta him a lot, or at least, that's what our heroic flying rodent believes," he chuckled.

Mayor Hunt's face could not have looked more stunned. "Johnny…Crane?" he repeated slowly, turning to look at the opposite cell.

Jonathan Crane slowly lowered his book and stood up to face Mayor Hunt as the group came over to his cell. "Hello, Dick," he murmured.

"I don't…believe it," gasped Mayor Hunt. Then he smiled. "Well, how are you, Johnny? Aside from stark raving mad."

Crane's jaw tightened. "I'm perfectly well, thank you," he muttered. "The doctors in this facility, as well as most of the population, are merely too unintelligent to understand the rightness and justice of my actions. But then I suppose that's always been the case. It certainly was for the school board when I gave you that scar."

Mayor Hunt glared at him. "No, I don't think even the other lunatics in here could possibly see what was right and just in a kid attacking another unarmed kid with a knife."

"You can't say it wasn't provoked!" snapped Crane. "You were always a bully, Hunt! You probably bullied your way into getting this mayor job! How many people did you have to bribe and threaten to win that popularity contest? Was it as many as you did to win the class presidency?"

"You were always just jealous, Crane," hissed Mayor Hunt. "Jealous that everyone liked me while you were some pitiful loser whose only friends were the books in the library!"

Crane smiled. "Yes, and those friends taught me well," he murmured. "They taught me the fickle nature of popularity, and the meaningless of the adoration of the masses, lessons you still haven't learned, Hunt. But it's you I should thank for teaching me my greatest life lesson. To be respected, to have power, true power, you must instill fear. I will never forget the terror in your eyes when I cut you with that knife, Hunt. I will never forget how good it felt to be feared."

Mayor Hunt glared back at him. "Dr. Leland, is Crane scheduled for release anytime soon?" he asked her.

"Professor Crane's mental condition is considered incurable at the moment," said Dr. Leland. "But of course there's always hope of a rehabilitation, given the correct treatment."

Mayor Hunt smiled. "Well, Johnny, look what life has done to us, eh?" he whispered. "Me, a successful man, mayor of Gotham City. And you, doomed to spend the rest of your life chained up in the nuthouse. So who won in the end, Professor? Who's the real loser here? As always, it's you."

"That ain't a very nice way to talk to a sick man," spoke up Harley Quinn from the neighboring cell. "You think a guy in your position could be a little more gracious and show a little sympathy."

Mayor Hunt turned his attention to her. "Dr. Leland, this is…?"

"Dr. Harleen Quinzel…" began Dr. Leland.

"Harley Quinn," interrupted Harley. "The name's Harley Quinn."

"Ah yes, the Joker's little toy," said Mayor Hunt, nodding.

"Girlfriend," corrected Harley. "I'm his girlfriend. We're madly in love."

"That's not what I hear," said Mayor Hunt.

"Well, then you heard wrong," retorted Harley. "Don't mess with me, pal, I'm a doctor. And I gotta say, I don't like the way you talk to Johnny. He's a nice guy, and he only does what he does because of people like you. If your success in life has come from ruining the lives of people like him, I wouldn't be so proud of it if I were you."

"Yes, well, considering you have no success to speak of, nobody cares what you like and don't like," said Mayor Hunt. "And if I were you, sweetheart, I'd spend a little less time criticizing your betters and a little more time using your brain, as difficult as that might be for you."

Joker laughed suddenly. "Hey, Dicky, c'mere," he said, beckoning him and smiling. "See, the thing is, Dick, you don't talk to her like that," he murmured, grinning at him. "Nobody talks to her like that but me, get it?"

His tone was light and jovial, but Bruce knew that was when he was at his most serious. "Mr. Mayor, perhaps it would be best if we carried on…" said Dr. Leland, hastily.

"Guess you ain't called Dick for nothing, huh?" snapped Harley.

"And you should hear some of the things I've heard you called, sweetheart," Mayor Hunt retorted, rounding on her. "The kindest one is stupid."

"It's really not a great idea to provoke them…" began Bruce.

"Must be hard to be deaf and the mayor," chuckled Joker, smiling. "But I think I just told you not to talk to her like that."

"And what makes you think I should listen to a deranged lunatic like you?" demanded Mayor Hunt. "What makes you think you have any rights? Look at you all, locked in cages like the vicious animals you are, standing there demanding respect! If we had any sense of decency as a society, we'd do what we do to vicious animals and put you all down. Each and every one of you, from the great Joker himself, to his insignificant little dumb blonde slut."

Bruce saw it coming, but only because he was so familiar with the Joker's tricks. He had just enough time to leap forward, shoving Mayor Hunt to the ground, before a jet of acid hit the wall where he had been standing moments before.

"Aw, Brucie, you ruined the gag!" exclaimed Joker, holding open his hand to reveal the acid-spraying flower usually kept in his button hole. "While he was screaming and writhing and clawing his face on the ground, I was gonna say 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I prefer acid 'cause the damage don't heal.'"

He laughed hysterically as the guards rushed into his cell to disarm and restrain him. Bruce helped the mayor to his feet and took him to Dr. Leland's office, with the doctor following behind them.

"Mr. Mayor, I am so sorry…" she began.

"Not your fault, Dr. Leland," interrupted Mayor Hunt. "Nobody could do any better controlling these lunatics. It's not you - it's them. They have always been the problem, and will always be the problem, unless we can devise a permanent solution to that problem."

"I'm…not sure what you mean, sir," said Dr. Leland, slowly.

He shook his head. "Nothing. Nothing you need concern yourself with, Dr. Leland. Bruce, I don't know how I can ever repay you for saving my life. Would a drink go some small way towards settling the debt?"

"It's really not necessary…" began Bruce.

"I insist," said Mayor Hunt. "Dr. Leland, thank you for your time. Please continue the excellent work you do. Let's go, Bruce."

Bruce didn't feel any more comfortable entering the mayor's office than he did on entering Arkham. He couldn't say he liked Mayor Hunt – he was clearly a pretty unpleasant individual. Bruce could easily see him being the school bully Crane had described, and his provocation of the Arkham inmates and the near disaster because of it had been entirely his doing. For once, the Arkham inmates weren't to blame. And Bruce didn't feel comfortable sharing a drink with anyone who was more to blame than the Arkham inmates.

"Sit down," said the mayor, gesturing to a chair and pouring a glass.

"Thank you," said Bruce, watching as the mayor poured the drink with a steady hand. "I'm impressed – you don't seem incredibly shaken from your near death experience."

Mayor Hunt laughed. "Well, a man in my position has to get used to attempts on his life. It's not been my first, as you gathered from Crane's story. No, if anything it's merely strengthened my resolve in implementing my solution which I know to be right."

"What solution?" asked Bruce.

Mayor Hunt handed him the drink and then sat down, sipping his own. "Bruce, do you have any idea how many innocent citizens of Gotham are killed by those lunatics a year?"

"I imagine a fair number," retorted Bruce. Of course he knew – he could see every face of every victim. They were imprinted forever in his brain – their faces, the faces of their families when he told them the tragic news. Of course he knew.

"Yes, indeed, a fair number," murmured Mayor Hunt. "And the ones there today, in the asylum, how many were there? Five? Six, maybe?"

"Maybe," agreed Bruce.

Mayor Hunt sipped his drink again. "I suppose the question is, Bruce, do you believe in sacrificing five or six lives to save thousands?"

Bruce's heart fell. He had heard that question before. And his answer was the same as always.

"No. I don't."

"Really?" said Mayor Hunt, raising his eyebrows. "Why is that, Bruce?"

"Because I believe all human lives are equal."

"Oh yes, I agree," said Mayor Hunt. "All lives are equal. And those five or six today, between them, have taken maybe 10,000 lives? If all lives are equal, they certainly owe a fair few, wouldn't you agree? Would it not be just to make them settle the debt, and save hundreds of lives in the process?"

"What are you suggesting exactly?" asked Bruce.

"I'll be honest with you, Bruce, I asked you to come with me today because I was hoping you would see what I see. How necessary it is that we solve the problem of the Arkham lunatics once and for all. I think with our combined influence, we could organize a small, efficient strike team to infilitrate the facility and assassinate the most dangerous supercriminals. The Joker, Two-Face, Poison Ivy…"

"The Scarecrow?" asked Bruce.

Mayor Hunt smiled. "It's not just petty revenge, believe me. I'm concerned for the greater good, for the people of this city who have trusted me to protect them. If I just wanted Crane dead, I could do it. But this is a far more ambitious project. And what I want to know, Bruce, is will you help me achieve my ambition and ensure the safety of Gotham and its people?"

"By massacring unarmed lunatics?"

"By eliminating those who have terrorized this city and its people time and time again. That's what these people are, Bruce – they're terrorists. And if we want to stop the terror, we must stop the people who inflict it. Permanently."

Bruce stood up. "I'm sorry, Mayor Hunt, you have the wrong man," he said. "I won't be a party to slaughter, no matter how you dress it up in the guise of justice. You can't disguise murder."

Mayor Hunt looked at him. "I'm disappointed, Bruce. I expected more. They said you were a man of vision, but it turns out you're either too blind or too afraid to do what is right. Johnny Crane was wrong today, you know. Fear isn't power. It's a chain that holds you back from doing what you know to be the right thing. I'm sorry you're still bound by it."

"And I'm sorry you can't see the insanity of your own vision," retorted Bruce. "Maybe you're more like the inmates of Arkham than you care to think. Goodbye, Mr. Mayor."

Bruce left the office, shaking in rage. He could report the conversation to the police, of course, but that wouldn't do any good. He had no proof, and the mayor would deny everything. Still, the man couldn't be allowed to go through with his plan. Batman would have to keep a very close eye on him.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy woke up blearily at three in the morning to the sound of the fire alarm. She groaned, pulling the pillow over her head.

"C'mon, rise and shine, Pammie!" called an annoying voice. "You don't wanna end up like last year's Christmas tree, do ya?"

"Joker," growled Ivy, sitting up and glaring at him. He was standing in the corridor, smiling at her through the bars. "What are you doing out of your cell?"

"Exercising my conjugal rights," he chuckled. "But I guess our sex was so hot, it set the goddamn building on fire!"

"Please don't give me images like that this early," snapped Ivy, rubbing her eyes. "Where is Harley?"

"She's just a little tied up at the moment," he replied.

"Well, there appears to be a fire, so she better drop whatever she's doing and leave her cell," retorted Ivy.

"She can't, Pammie," he replied. "I told you, she's tied up. I didn't mean that metaphorically."

"Mr. J!" cried Harley, from the neighboring cell. "Mr. J, c'mon, untie me! This ain't funny anymore!"

Ivy stared at him. "You're just gonna leave her there with a fire in the building?"

He shrugged. "If it ain't a drill, she'll find a way to free herself. Pretty sure it's a drill, though. I don't smell burning, and nobody's come to collect us," he said, nodding at the door to the cell block.

Ivy tried her cell door and found it unlocked. "Well, they've activated the emergency release on the cells anyway," she said, leaving hers and looking toward the door.

"Johnny! Harvey! Up!" called Joker, striding past their cells. "Victor, I didn't realize you were here!" he exclaimed, stopping by Mr. Freeze's cell and beaming.

"Only recently," said Freeze.

"You missed all the excitement! We had Bruce Wayne and the mayor visit a couple weeks ago!" said Joker. "It was a real treat! Simply to die for! Or at least it would have been if Bruce Wayne hadn't saved the mayor from the acid I was gonna spray in his face. If Bats ever decides to retire, maybe Brucie could take his place!" he chuckled.

"Where are the guards?" asked Crane, emerging from his cell.

"Dunno," replied Joker.

"Mr. J! Please untie me!"

"Shut up, you dumb blonde!" he shouted back. "Didn't say I was done with you, did I?"

"But there's a fire, Mr. J!"

"Jesus, Harley, just be grateful I'm in the mood, would ya?" he snapped.

"I don't like this," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin nervously. "This ain't right."

"What? J and Harley, or the lack of guards?" asked Ivy.

"Both," retorted Two-Face. "But mostly the lack of guards."

"I believe that might be them now," said Freeze, nodding toward the door where they heard pounding footsteps.

The door to the cell block was kicked open and six masked men armed with machine guns burst into the cell block. They spread out, pointing their weapons at the inmates. The lead gunman spoke into an intercom.

"Sir, we have five lunatics in the high security wing."

"That's all of them. Proceed," said the voice on the other end.

The men all raised their guns, aiming them at the inmates. And at that moment, a black shape crashed through the roof, landing in front of the Joker. The men all immediately fixed their guns on him.

"Sir, Batman has arrived. How should we proceed?" asked the lead gunman nervously.

"If Batman insists on interfering in a matter of state security, do what you would do with all enemies of the state," replied the voice. "Eliminate him."

"Repeat that, sir," said the lead gunman, clearly terrified. "Eliminate Batman?"

"Eliminate Batman," repeated the voice, firmly.

The lead gunman aimed at Batman. "I'm giving you the chance to run," he murmured. "You've done a lotta good for this city and I don't want to kill you. But you need to move out of the way now."

"No," retorted Batman, firmly.

"Batman, they're just evil, crazy people," murmured the lead gunman. "They deserve to die. You don't. Please step outta the way."

"Never," said Batman.

The lead gunman sighed. "Then I have no choice. I'm sorry, Batman."

He aimed his gun at his face. Batman could stop him, but he couldn't stop all the guns that were pointed at him. Even a well-aimed Batarang wouldn't take out six guys. Still, he wasn't going to move aside. If he didn't make it out of this alive, at least he knew it was for a good cause.

The gunman's finger tightened on the trigger. Batman was about to leap forward, when he was suddenly knocked to the ground. He heard bullets whistling overhead as he felt a shape on top of him. "Just stay there and don't do anything heroic!" hissed a voice in his ear. "No one is killing you but me, got it, Bats?"

Batman was stunned to see Joker climbing off him, and punching the lead gunman in the face, seizing his gun. At that moment, Harley Quinn appeared from her cell, dragging a bed attached to her wrist. "Puddin', what…" she began.

Joker dived at her, shoving her to the ground behind the bed as bullets riddled the wall behind her. He propped the bed up, using it as a barricade, and then fired out from behind it, taking out two guys. Harley covered her ears as the other inmates seized the guns from the dead men and began shooting back. Joker turned to Batman.

"Run, Bats," he muttered. "Get outta here."

"Joker…" began Batman.

"I said get outta here!" he shouted, firing at another man and killing him. "You're useless in a fight against these guys because you refuse to kill anyone! Not a problem for the rest of us! So beat it while you still can!"

"I can't just…"

"Pammie, get him outta here!" shouted Joker, shooting the last man in the kneecap. "And then seal us off! I don't want anyone getting in or outta here until we find out what the hell is going on! And you don't wanna watch how I'm gonna get the info outta this guy, Batsy, trust me!"

"I won't…" began Batman, but a plant root suddenly burst through the floor, entwining around him and rising quickly, knocking through the roof. Once outside, the plant released him, and Batman fell to the ground. He looked up, watching in horror as hundreds of plant vines began to envelope the asylum, wrapping around the building. A giant forest of thorns sprang up to surround the grounds, preventing any access, and Batman saw sheets of ice, no doubt from Mr. Freeze, begin to literally seal the asylum shut. When it was finished, it looked like something out of a nightmare – a giant thicket of dangerous plants and black ice shielding a Gothic horror of a building. And inside six of the most dangerous criminal lunatics who had ever lived. Batman cursed Mayor Hunt's stupidity as he stared at the monstrosity. The siege of Arkham Asylum would not be an easy one to break.


	4. Chapter 4

"Well, at least we got our stuff back," said Joker, adjusting his bowtie. "If you're gonna torture someone, it's better to do it in style. Plus that mental patient gray color is really unflattering with my complexion."

"Yeah, it's nice to feel like a human being again," sighed Harley, doing a few cartwheels in her usual harlequin costume.

"We should raid the cafeteria next," said Two-Face. "We're gonna need to know what sort of food we're looking at and if we can afford a long siege."

"We don't have a choice," snapped Crane. "We can't very well just give up."

"Better than starving to death," growled Two-Face. "It's a nasty way to go."

"Nobody is starving to death," retorted Joker. "If worst comes to worst, we'll just eat each other. I already got plans for eating Harley."

"Oooh, puddin'!" giggled Harley. "You naughty boy!"

"I'm talking about literally eating you, Harley," he replied. "I don't think you'll enjoy it. But then again, you do always surprise me with the kinda stuff you enjoy, my adorable little masochist," he cooed, pinching her cheek.

Harley squeaked happily and kissed him. "Harvey, why don't you and Freeze go check out the food situation?" asked Joker. "And Freeze, do your thing on any meat and stuff that'll rot – we don't know how much longer the power is gonna last. As for the rest of you, who wants to help me torture a guy?"

"Me! Me! I do, Mr. J!" cried Harley, shooting her hand up into the air and leaping around.

"Somehow, I knew you'd be excited, pooh," he chuckled, patting her head. "Pammie, Crane, why don't you guys go check on the situation outside? See if the police have got here yet. And if they have, Crane, might I suggest a little fear gas into the crowd to get the party started?"

Crane nodded, and he and Ivy headed off. Harley skipped happily after Joker, humming as they entered his cell, where they had tied the unfortunate survivor of the raid, still bleeding heavily from his kneecap and his eyes shut tightly in pain.

"Wakey, wakey!" exclaimed Joker, slapping him. The man opened his eyes to see Joker and Harley beaming at him.

"Oh…my God," he stammered.

"Not quite," chuckled Joker. "But don't worry, you'll be seeing God in just a little bit. Your friends have already gone to meet him, and you won't be far behind, so smile! There's only a helluva lotta pain to go through before you get to go say hi, and thanks for the crap life!"

He laughed, reaching for his knife. "But I can make things go so much quicker if you tell me what I wanna know. Who sent you?"

"Can't…tell you that," he stammered.

Joker chuckled. "I think you can, you just don't want to. It's fine with me – I get my fun either way. And Harley here really likes it when people don't cooperate. She's a bloodthirsty little minx, though, ain't ya, pooh bear?"

Harley nodded. "But it takes a helluva lotta pain to really satisfy me," she murmured, smiling at him. "And you know what, Mr. J? I ain't really in the mood at the moment. You'll have to start with a little foreplay and go all the way through to the cuddling."

Joker chuckled. "Gee, I guess today ain't your lucky day, sport!" he giggled. "Hope you got the stamina for this – Harley just hates being disappointed! You might start flagging at the two hour mark, what with the blood loss and all, but don't worry – I'm sure you'll find your second wind!"

A blood-curdling scream rang around the asylum, that Crane and Ivy heard even from the other end of the building. "How does a man even make that high-pitched a sound?" asked Crane, frowning.

"It's best not to ask," replied Ivy. "I don't give J credit for much, but he's pretty effective at torturing people. It shouldn't be too long before he talks."

Sure enough, about five minutes later, Joker appeared, wiping his hands which were stained in blood. "Johnny, looks like we have you to thank for this little siege!" he chuckled. "Your old pal Dicky Hunt sent the strike team to eliminate the terrorists, as he calls us."

"You tried to kill him too," snapped Crane. "It could be your fault."

"I guess," said Joker, shrugging. "But you got a history with the guy. Me, I just met him. Your relationship is clearly more lasting," he chuckled. "Some men just can't move on. Imagine basing everything in your life around the destruction of one guy. Sounds pretty pathetic to me. Got any press out there?" he asked, peering through the window.

"Only all of them," replied Ivy.

"Great! The guy's still alive, barely – we'll give him a few hours to recover and then make him talk for the cameras. Oughta be really fun to see what happens when the media discover the mayor made an illegal raid on the asylum. They'll be all kinds of finger pointing and excuses and long, boring speeches about justice, y'know, the kinda crap the Bat loves. It'll be a riot to watch, and if we're lucky, there might just be real riot to enjoy too," he giggled. "Now if you'll excuse me, Harley's waiting. Any kinda torture just puts her in gear."

"Puddin'!" called Harley. "Vroom, vroom!"

"I'm coming, you greedy brat!" he snapped. "See you folks later for the media circus!" he chuckled, leaving them. "They'll be sending in the clowns pretty quick!"

Crane and Ivy looked out the window again in silence. "He's right - this is my fault," murmured Crane at last. "We're all stuck here because of me."

"Hey, J said the guy was sent to eliminate the terrorists," said Ivy. "That's plural."

"Yes, but who's the master of terror here?" asked Crane. "And Joker's right – Hunt and I go way back. I doubt he'd have the same level of determination to exterminate us if I wasn't involved."

"I think you're flattering yourself," said Ivy. "The guy's clearly nuts. And you know what happens when crazies get ahold of an idea. They don't stop until they see it through."

Crane nodded slowly. "Maybe," he agreed. "You just…don't know what it's like, Pamela. To be bullied like that…"

"What makes you think that?" asked Ivy.

"Well, look at you," he retorted. "You're an incredibly attractive woman, strong, intelligent, confident, you were probably quite popular at school."

"Surprising as it might be to you, Professor, this gorgeous speciman of womanhood didn't just blossom overnight," replied Ivy. "I had to put up with my share of crap, same as most people. Kids can be really cruel, which is one of the reasons I've vowed never to have them. At least, not human kids. But I guess the only way to be strong and confident in yourself is to have to fight for who you are. So in a way, it's good, having to deal with bullies. It makes you believe in yourself, anyway."

"That's certainly true," agreed Crane.

"Like Batman," continued Ivy. "I doubt any of us would be so obsessed with unleashing chaos in this city if that bully didn't try to stop us all the time. But because he fights with us, he only makes our determination to succeed worse. To show him he can't win, that he can't suppress us just because he's stronger. It's certainly true in my case."

"And in mine," said Crane, nodding. He was silent again. "And do you think we underdogs have a chance of winnning against that particular rodent bully, Pamela?"

Ivy shrugged. "I wouldn't keep trying something if I didn't think I would succeed in the end. I'm not crazy."

"No," sighed Crane. "Few of us are, really. Freeze isn't. He's just desperate to have his wife back. No one can blame a man for the things he does for love. Harvey has a hard time controlling his temper, and leaves a little too much to chance, but those are hardly uncommon traits. You have a passion for the environment – in this day and age you'd think your behavior would be rewarded. And Harley is the same as Freeze – she's just motivated by an incredibly strong love."

Ivy nodded, lost in thought. "And then there's Joker," she said at last.

"Yes, well, he is just crazy," said Crane.

"Yeah," agreed Ivy. "But he's really the only one who should be locked up in here. Him and Batman."

"Now there's a man who's certifiably insane," said Crane. "He works so hard, he does all this, and for what? For some ideal about justice and right? Things that can never be proven, that can never exist in the world as it is? He's trying to attain a kind of paradise, a heaven of justice he sees in his mind's eyes, while in reality he's struggling through hell. What would one call that but insanity?"

"I dunno," said Ivy. "Bat-crazy?"

Crane laughed. "Yes. That must be the technical term."

Ivy grinned at him. "I'm gonna go see how Freeze and Harvey are getting on with the food," she said. "I'll need to keep mine separate because I don't eat plants. Can you handle the lookout here?"

Crane nodded. "Thanks, Johnny," she said, turning to go.

She paused. "You shouldn't feel guilty about this, y'know," she said, quietly. "I don't mind a little difficulty if it'll take a bully down a peg or two. And for what it's worth, I think he deserved that scar."

"He did," murmured Crane. "But thank you, Pamela. It does mean a lot."

"Must have taken a lot of courage to finally stand up to him, though, never mind bringing that knife into school," murmured Ivy. "You must have been pretty brave."

"More desperate than brave," retorted Crane.

"Still," she murmured. She suddenly took his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. "Nice job, Professor," she murmured, smiling.

She strode off. Crane stared after her, astonished, and then turned to look out the window again, beaming happily despite the seriousness of the situation.


	5. Chapter 5

"I just want some news, anything, about what's going on…Batman!" exclaimed Dr. Leland, suddenly noticing him and shoving her way through the crowd. "Have you been inside? What's going on in there?"

"I was there at the beginning," murmured Batman. "But I haven't been able to get back inside since they sealed it off."

"Why aren't they doing anything?" she demanded. "That's not like them! Joker at least should be making a public appearance, throwing out some jokes or something, he can't resist the urge to play an audience. But there hasn't been anything!" She looked absolutely terrified and wrung her hands nervously. "Is it wrong to admit I'm worried about them?" she asked Batman quietly. "I mean, they're my responsibility and everything. And when you know them as well as I do, you can't help but feel a little protective, even about homicidal lunatics…"

"I understand, don't worry," interrupted Batman. "But I'm sure they're fine, Dr. Leland. They can handle themselves."

"Do you know what happened?" asked Dr. Leland. "Why they sealed themselves off?"

Batman nodded slowly. "There was a raid," he murmured. "A strike team was sent to eliminate them."

"Who sent them?" asked Dr. Leland, astonished.

"I don't know," he replied. "But I have a pretty good idea."

He looked around at the mass of people – police, press, curious bystanders, most of Gotham, it seemed. But Mayor Hunt wasn't there. Batman didn't really expect him to be – as far as the public was concerned, the lunatics of Arkham had just attempted another takeover of the facility. It was hardly an uncommon occurrence, and certainly didn't concern the mayor.

A change came over the crowd suddenly as a murmuring started and a million cameras began flashing. Batman turned his attention to the roof where he saw all six of the inmates gradually appearing. Harley arrived last, dragging one of the strike team behind her, who was bleeding heavily and unable to stand.

"Greetings, Gotham! Joker here!" shouted Joker, bounding over to the edge of the roof. He waved at the crowd below. "Great to see you all again! Hello, Miss Vale, looking foxy as ever! Jack Ryder, you old son of a gun, glad you could make it! Commissioner, how's your daughter since I shot her? Still a paraplegic? Yeah, I guess spinal damage doesn't really heal. What's up, Doc? Hope we didn't worry you too much! Batsy! You just can't resist sticking your pointy nose in where it don't belong, can you? I guess it's nice to know you care," he chuckled. "Now as you all know, I'm the kinda guy who likes to make jokes. But this whole gag is a little too serious for comedy, so I'm gonna let my far more serious-minded and eloquent colleague take over on the speech-making. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, I know him, please give a warm Gotham welcome to your former DA, Mr. Harvey Dent!"

Joker applauded warmly and Harley joined in the cheering, but they were the only ones. Two-Face faced the crowd, flipping his coin thoughtfully.

"Justice," he muttered. "Sometimes we need to reconsider what that is. It is not, as some of you may believe, a kind of eye-for-an-eye style vengeance. It doesn't mean that when a guy hurts you, you hurt 'em in return. It doesn't mean that caped vigilantes run around doing whatever the hell they want. It is a system established by society to ensure that the strong don't rule by might alone, and that the weak are protected. It is a system to ensure equality, no matter if you're rich or poor, big or small, sane or insane. You wanna stop doing that, clown?!" he shouted suddenly, rounding on Joker, who had been giving him bunny ears while Harley joined him in making faces.

"Sorry, Harvey, just trying to make sure the crowd don't get bored," chuckled Joker.

"I'm trying to make a meaningful speech about the nature of justice. It ain't boring!" snapped Two-Face.

"Yeah, but it is kinda long-winded, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "Nobody likes a gag that goes on for too long. You wanna just skip to the punchline?"

Two-Face glared at him and turned back. "The facts of the case are these," he growled. "According to our justice system, we are mentally ill. We are victims of society, of fate, call it what you will. We deserve medical care so that we can regain control of our minds. And we deserve to be protected from the dangers of the outside world. This is what it means to live in a society, a civilized society who takes care of its vulnerable members, instead of demeaning and destroying them. And this social contract was greviously broken tonight by one of the most powerful people of this city. My fellow patients and I were the victims of an attempted assassination. This is the one survivor of that raid," he growled, gesturing to the man.

"Say hi to the folks down there, sport!" exclaimed Joker, dragging him up next to Two-Face.

Two-Face gestured to the crowd. "Tell them all who sent you," he said.

The man shook his head. Joker chuckled. "Oooh, he's forgotten how much pain I can give him! Let's remind him, shall we? Sensitive viewers, you may wanna look away now!"

There was screaming from the crowd and from the prisoner as Batman heard a crack. "Now say it loud and say it proud, pally!" laughed Joker.

The man murmured something. "Little louder – don't think the folks at home could hear!" laughed Joker, cracking the man's spine again.

"Mayor Hunt!" he screamed.

Utter chaos ensued as the crowd was thrown into an uproar. They were silenced suddenly by Two-Face firing two shots into the air. "Quiet down!" he shouted. "So now that you know the truth, let's get back to talking about justice. Sometimes, granted, it don't seem fair. Sometimes it seems as random as the toss of a coin." He flipped his own. "But the fact remains that even in the toss of a coin, there is order. There is decision. And there is justice."

He shot the man in the head, killing him instantly. "So the question is, what kinda society do you people wanna live in?" he demanded. "A just one? Or one where everything is as random and crazy as our disordered minds? I'll leave you to consider it."

"Give him a big hand, everybody, he's here all week!" chuckled Joker as Two-Face stepped back. "In fact, we're all here all week, and possibly even longer, until you people do what you have to do to get this psycho mayor outta power and locked up in the madhouse where he belongs! We'll give him a real warm welcome here, I promise you!" he laughed. "But until you've delivered him into our safe hands, this lockdown will continue. We've got plenty of supplies and we can hole up for as long as it takes. So do your talking, form your little committees, and have your little meetings about what you're gonna do, and then let us know. Toodles!"

He paused suddenly. "Oh, silly me!" he giggled, turning back. "I may have forgotten to mention the hostages! Got about twenty in here with us, and may have to execute one a week or something just to speed the decision up. I just hate long waits," he chuckled. "See ya later!"

They disappeared from the roof and the crowd immediately started panicking. As the police got the chaos under control, Batman slipped away, heading for City Hall. He intended to have a little chat with Mayor Hunt.


	6. Chapter 6

"I was expecting you," said Mayor Hunt, keeping his eyes fixed on the TV and casually sipping a drink as Batman climbed through the window. "Sooner than this, actually. I knew those idiots wouldn't be able to kill you. Which of the best of us isn't failed by incompetance?"

"You're finished, Hunt," muttered Batman.

"Am I? The people seem to have come out in support of me," he said, nodding at the TV. Batman saw Jack Ryder interviewing some of the citizens of Gotham.

"…should have been done a long time ago. Drastic action needs to be taken to stop these criminals, and since Batman doesn't have the guts to kill them, I'm glad our mayor finally does."

"We should leave them in there to rot. At least they're safely locked up and away from us."

"What about the hostages?" asked Ryder.

The man shrugged. "Don't get me wrong, it's a sad loss. But if the end result is the death of those supercriminals? I think it's worth it, just in terms of all the potential lives to be saved."

"The lunatics probably would have killed them the next time they broke out anyway," spoke up another. "The violence has to be stopped. If this is the only way to do it, I fully support Mayor Hunt."

There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd. Batman glared from the TV to the mayor, who smiled smugly at him.

"Funny, isn't it?" he asked, quietly. "The kinds of things that become acceptable when people are afraid. Perhaps Johnny Crane is right. Perhaps fear is power. It gives people power over others, anyway. The power to do whatever is necessary to make the fear go away."

"Nobody is going to stand for this madness. You're going to be removed from office and put in prison…" began Batman.

"What, for this little storm in a teacup?" laughed the mayor. "I don't think so. It's not like I've launched an attack on the innocent people of Gotham – I tried to kill proven terrorists. I believe the law should be on my side."

"You tried to slaughter the mentally ill…"

"Oh, stop it, Batman!" interrupted Mayor Hunt, contemptuously. "These people are in complete control of their actions! Johnny Crane was never an idiot – he was just a malicious, evil, violent psychopath! There's no helping people like that! These aren't people who can be cured! They're pure evil, down to their core! The only thing we can do with them is make sure they don't hurt anybody else by eliminating them! The people of Gotham want to live in peace and safety. I'm just giving them what you never could."

"I'm a protector, not a murderer," retorted Batman. "I don't have the right to kill them, and neither do you."

"Right?" repeated the mayor. "I have the right to do whatever I see fit to keep the people of this city safe. That is my job. I imagine you believe that's your job too. And although my methods for protecting this city may be more effective, we're the same kind of man, you and I, Batman."

"I'm sorry you think so," said Batman.

Mayor Hunt grinned. "Yes, we are different in one respect. I am an elected representative of the people, and you are not. And I am giving the people what they want."

He looked at the TV again, where Jack Ryder was reporting, "…a massive show of public support for the alleged attack by Mayor Hunt. The debate sparked by the action is already polarizing people to extremes of emotion, but, as far as I can tell anyway, mostly in favor of the elimination of the Arkham lunatics."

"They deserve it – they've killed hundreds of people!"

"They'll just break out and do it again if they aren't stopped!"

"I'm so glad we elected a man who isn't afraid to do what is right. Gotham finally has the protector it deserves."

Mayor Hunt smiled and turned to Batman, who didn't say a word. He just went to the window and disappeared into the night.


	7. Chapter 7

"We must be the ones to stop the endless cycle of violence now, once and for all. They will never stop, the Joker and all the others like him. He's proven time and time again that he's not to be trusted, that the only thing he wants is chaos and suffering. We have to show him and the world that Gotham will not tolerate this sort of behavior anymore. We are not as willing to take his constant abuse as his pathetic, battered girlfriend. This city has a little more self-respect than that. Or at least it should, but for too long we've been afraid to stand up to these bullies because we've been intimidated into believing that one cannot be a hero and kill. This is an incredibly misguided and short-sighted idea, that negates all the good killing has done for the greater good. Wars are sometimes necessary to preserve the safety and ideals of innocent people. Gotham is locked in a war with these lunatics, a war we have allowed them to win for far too long. If someone attacks you, you have a right to defend yourself. It is called self-defense, and it is perfectly justified to kill in self-defense. The people of Gotham have been attacked more times than they can count by these criminals. They have the right to kill them in self-defense. These are terrorists, plain and simple. And the only way to be safe from terrorists is to destroy them. I admit that is what I attempted to do. A safer Gotham, no matter what it takes, that was my promise to you. I am fulfilling that promise. Who is brave enough to join me in my crusade?"

The crowd cheered as Jack Ryder said, "Bruce Wayne will be giving his rebuttal to the mayor's speech next…"

"Ah, shut up, Rich Boy!" snapped Joker, smashing the battery-powered radio with a bat.

"J! It's kinda important that we get to hear that!" snarled Two-Face. "They're talking about killing us, for Christ's sake!"

Joker snorted. "Yeah? And? Batsy ain't gonna let 'em do that. He'd be so bored without us to kick around. We've got nothing to worry about, Harvey."

"That's what you think," growled Two-Face. "I don't think even Batman can stand up to this whole city if it turns on us."

"Gotta have a little faith in your heroes, Harv," chuckled Joker. "Batsy ain't just the protector of Gotham, y'know. He's our protector too, our little batty guardian angel."

"What the hell's wrong with this city?" snapped Two-Face, standing up and pacing. "It's like everyone's suddenly gone crazy!"

"Oh Harvey, you've just finally seen what I've seen all along!" chuckled Joker. "Everybody's crazy, really. It just takes one bad day to push you over the edge and let the crazy take control. One bad day or one charismatic nutcase with a lotta power and delusions of grandeur to lead you off the cliff, like the mindless lemmings you are."

"This ain't a joke, J!" snapped Two-Face, rounding on him. "What if they decide to let us starve to death? What if they decide to send another strike team, and another, and another, until we're dead? You gonna be laughing then?"

Joker grinned. "Yeah, I am, Harvey," he murmured. "Because it'll prove what I always knew to be true. This world's on the funhouse slide into madness. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Mr. J, you gotta tell Freeze to stop icing the asylum!" whined Harley, throwing open the door with her arms wrapped tightly around her. "It's freezing in here since they cut the power!"

"He's just trying to keep the bad people out by sealing us off, pooh bear," said Joker. "But I know a way we can warm up, sweets," he murmured, grinning.

Harley beamed at him. "Oh, Mr. J," she breathed.

She leaned forward to kiss him when Freeze, Crane, and Ivy stormed into the room. "What is the news this morning?" demanded Freeze. "Have they decided to hand over the mayor yet?"

"Ain't you guys ever heard of knocking?" demanded Joker. "Here, pumpkin pie, have that for now," he said, taking off his jacket and draping it around Harley's shoulders. "And no, they haven't. So just get back to being on lookout in case they do."

"I think it's probably your turn to be lookout," snapped Ivy. "Johnny and me have been staring at nothing for the past three days, and we're pretty bored of it."

"I'm the brains of this operation, Pammie, I don't have to do grunt work," retorted Joker.

"We never voted for you to be in charge," growled Crane.

"Joker's Asylum ain't a democracy, guys, it's a facist dictatorship," replied Joker. "And I'm dictator for life. You don't vote for a dictator. I know it don't seem fair, but that's life."

"Yeah? Well, if you wanna keep your life, I think a resignation might be in order, _mein F__ü_hrer," snapped Ivy.

"And who's gonna make me resign, Pammie? You?" said Joker. "Don't make me laugh."

He did laugh, and Ivy started forward, only to be met with Joker's gun in her face as he abruptly stopped laughing. "Don't even think about it, Weed Lady," he hissed.

"Red, Mr. J, please," said Harley. "There's no need to fight. That's what they want us to do, kill each other so they won't have to make a decision either way. We can't let 'em win like that."

"My Harley girl's a good psychiatrist," chuckled Joker, patting her on the head as he lowered the gun. "But you attack me again, Pammie, and a little shrink speak ain't gonna stop me from blowing your face off. Get me?" he said, dangerously.

Ivy folded her arms across her chest. "I'm not being the lookout again," she snapped.

"Me and Freeze'll go," snapped Two-Face. "C'mon, Victor."

"And you wanna stop with the air conditioning?" snapped Harley as he passed. "Not all of us love the cold the way you do, Victor."

"Love the cold?" repeated Freeze, stopping and turning on her. "You have no idea how much I loathe it. You have no idea how much I long for just a touch of warmth, a tiny ray of sunshine to be able to penetrate the icy depths of my soul. But I will never again feel the heat of the sun, nor the warm breeze on a summer's day. I will never again feel the warmth of love melting my heart and letting it beat again, allowing me live again. You think you feel cold? At least your heart is not a frozen block of ice. And you would do well to count your blessings for that, you ungrateful little brat."

"Hey, snowman, nobody talks to her like that but me!" snapped Joker.

"You have no power over me, clown," retorted Freeze. "I have nothing to fear from you."

"Wanna bet?" snapped Joker, raising his gun again. "If I shoot you in the head right now, what's gonna happen to the snow queen? Somebody will probably thaw her out and use her as a not-so-warm body," he giggled.

Freeze raised his gun and shot at Joker, who jumped out of the way just in time. "Mr. J!" screamed Harley, seizing her hammer and striking Freeze with it.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" roared Two-Face, leaping in between them as Freeze turned to shoot Harley. "Everyone just calm down!"

"Aw, c'mon, Harvey, the fewer of us left alive, the more food we got when the time comes for eating each other," chuckled Joker. "Might have to defrost Victor a little though."

"Victor, just let it go and come with me," growled Two-Face. "He thinks provoking you is really funny. Don't let him win."

Freeze glared at Joker contemptuously and stormed from the room, with Two-Face following, glancing back warningly at Joker.

"Spoilsport," muttered Joker, throwing down his gun. "As long as we're trapped in here, we might as well have a little fun."

"I know how to have some fun, puddin'," purred Harley, cuddling him. "And I still need a little warming up, y'know."

Joker sighed. "Fine, it's not like I've got anything better to do."

At that moment, a black shape burst through the ceiling. "Scratch that!" exclaimed Joker, shoving Harley out of the way and holding open his arms. "Batsy! You came back!"

"How did you get through the ice?" demanded Ivy. "And my plants?"

Batman held up a weapon in each hand. "Oooh, the Bat-machete and the Bat-flame-thrower, huh, Bats?" chuckled Joker.

"I haven't named them," retorted Batman, replacing them in his belt.

"What do you want?" growled Ivy.

"Pammie, Pammie, that's no way to greet our guest!" exclaimed Joker, in mock offense. "Why don't you pull up a chair and have a seat, Batsy?"

"I'm here because you need my help," retorted Batman.

Ivy snorted. "That'd be a first," she snapped.

Batman glared at her. "Do you have any idea what's going on out there?" he demanded. "Mayor Hunt has managed to get popular support for your assassination! He's trying to get the law on his side, citing homeland security and the threat of terrorism and a bunch of other nonsense! He's trying to legalize your murder, and he's the kind of man who doesn't give up until he succeeds!"

Joker laughed hysterically. "So that's why you came back, Batsy!" he giggled. "To join us! You're on our side in this, aren't you? You're as crazy as the rest of us, so you gotta be! If the mayor wants to start killing lunatics, you're gonna be first on his list!"

"Of course he isn't here to join us!" snapped Crane. "He's on the side of the bully, because that's what he is. You're just as bad as Hunt, Batman."

"I'm not on anyone's side," snapped Batman. "I'm always on the side of right, but there is no right in this fight. I'm just trying to stop this before it goes too far and people get hurt. Any people, on any side. That's my job."

"Aw, he's so cute when he gets all self-righteous with the hero speak!" cooed Joker, pinching his cheek. Batman punched him in the face.

"You have to stop this by making the first move," he muttered. "By showing them you're not the monsters they think you are."

"But we are," retorted Crane.

"But you have to show them you're not," retorted Batman. "Release the hostages, Joker. Let them go free. Be the better person."

Joker giggled. "Gee, Bats, that's a really good idea! Show them we can be all noble and self-sacrificing, like you! Only one slight problem with it though."

"What's that?" asked Batman.

Joker beckoned him. Batman leaned forward and Joker shouted in his ear. "Surprise! There are no hostages!"

Batman started back, rubbing his ear. "What do you mean?" he demanded.

"I mean it was all a lie!" chuckled Joker. "Well, I had to give them some motivation to care about us, didn't I? Otherwise they'd just leave us to rot in here. If I had said, 'Hand over the mayor or we'll stay in here forever,' that would seem more like a compromise than a threat. I needed a threat, so I made up the thing about the hostages, just so they'd do what I want and give us the mayor. See, you can't have something for nothing. That's not how the world works. If you want something, you gotta have something to trade. Or at least pretend you do," he giggled.

"So, it was a bluff," murmured Batman, slowly. "You are actually…trapped in here. Without any kind of power, or leverage, or anything to trade in exchange for your lives or freedom."

He was suddenly struck from behind and knocked unconscious by a blow from Harley's hammer. The last thing he heard was Joker's maniacal laughter, giggling, "Not anymore!"


	8. Chapter 8

Batman awoke to singing: "_Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and smile, smile, smile! While you've a Lucifer to light your fag, smile, boys, that's the style! What's the use of worrying? It never was worthwhile, so pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and smile, smile, smile!_"

The singing turned into whistling as Batman's eyes blearily focused on the Joker, sitting on a chair across from him and cleaning his gun. Joker noticed he was conscious and grinned. "Bout time you were awake, sleepy-head!" he laughed. "Guess Harley must have hit you harder than I thought, but the kid's got a good arm. Got a couple of other good features too, if you know what I mean," he chuckled.

Batman saw that he was tied up in Joker's cell. "I can't wait to hear what your plan is," growled Batman.

"Very simple, _mon rongeur_," said Joker, standing up and smiling. "If the people of Gotham wanna eliminate the freaks, they have every right to do so. Who am I to argue with democracy? But they're gonna start with their very own Bat-freak. And I doubt even the great Mayor Hunt can make the people of this city turn on Batman. They just love you, Bats! Heck, who doesn't? I think it's the cute little costume that does it. Something about a guy in a mask. And the cape's a nice touch, don't get me wrong. I've often thought of getting one myself, but I wouldn't wanna tread on your toes style-wise. I mean, I'd be pretty offended if you just started wearing purple without asking me. Offended and a little flattered, not gonna lie. It would show you cared," he giggled.

"It isn't going to work, Joker," retorted Batman.

"What? The cape? Maybe not. Maybe it would be overdoing it. No need to gild the lily, as the saying goes."

"Not the cape," growled Batman. "Your plan."

"Yeah? You got a better idea, Bats?" he asked. Batman was silent. "That's what I thought," laughed Joker. "So why don't you just keep that fat mouth of yours shut before I carve you a new smile? You'd look good with a smile, though, Bats. And it might be a nice change for Gotham to see its hero looking happy for once," he chuckled, withdrawing his knife and bringing it to his face.

The door opened at that moment and Poison Ivy strode in. "They're here," she said.

"What did I say about knocking, Pammie?" snapped Joker.

"Look, I understand that you don't wanna be disturbed when you're about to finally kiss your boyfriend, but I don't believe in manners during emergencies," retorted Ivy. "Just come on and bring the Bat."

"I just want you to remember that I tried to help you," growled Batman. "And you thought it was a good idea to betray me."

Joker chuckled. "Well, you know what they say, Batsy!" he giggled. "All's fair in love and war!"

He kissed his cheek and then dragged him out of the room. When they arrived on the roof with the rest of the inmates, Batman saw that a crowd had again gathered outside the asylum, and this time Mayor Hunt was among them, as well as the usual assortment of press and police officers. Batman saw Commissioner Gordon's face fall as he noticed him.

"Hello again, Gotham!" said Joker, waving cheerfully. "And haven't you been busy since we last met!" he giggled. "Planning all kinds of wild and crazy schemes! Batsy here has been telling us all about how you agree with the mayor, and wanna have us all killed. Now, that ain't a very nice thing to want, I'll be honest. But personally, I can't blame you. I mean, look at these losers," he said, gesturing at them. "You got a guy with half a face, a walking air conditioner, a nerd in a scarecrow mask, a dame who walks around dressed in leaves, not that I'm complaining, and another dame in a skin-tight harlequin catsuit, again, not that I'm complaining," he chuckled. "And then you got me. And there's a whole list of what's wrong with me, but we'd be here all day if I read it out!" he laughed. "And of course, you got Batsy!" he exclaimed, gesturing to him. "Now there's a freak for you! This guy here, I love him, but he's completely cuckoo!" he said, draping an arm over Batman and twirling a finger around his temple. "See, he believes in the natural goodness of humanity, and look how that turned out for him!" he laughed. "You people broke his little bat heart, so shame on you! With all your baying for blood, you proved my point, not his! You're all a bunch of crazies, no better than the rest of us! You see that now, doncha, Batsy?" he murmured. "You see I was right all along?"

Batman didn't respond. Joker shrugged. "Anyway, you people have got two choices. Either finish the descent into madness, sink to our level, and kill us. But we're taking your precious Bat-brain down with us," he muttered, holding a gun to his head. "Or, choice number two, you can call off this ridiculous lynch mob and play the sane game like the good little sheep you are. There's only room for so many crazies in this town, and frankly, I don't like you taking our jobs away from us. Plus Batsy would be so overworked if you all went off the rails, and he's stressed enough as it is, ain't ya, Bats? Wind him any tighter and he might just explode. Kablooey!" he shouted, pulling the trigger.

There was a gasp from the crowd, which turned into a sigh of relief as Joker's gun popped out a _bang _flag. Joker chuckled. "Harley," he said, standing up. "Hand me the real gun, would ya, pooh?"

Harley obeyed, and Joker held it against Batman's temple. "So what's it gonna be?" he murmured, smiling.

"Kill him," said Mayor Hunt, coldly. "Gotham won't need Batman once it destroys you people. They'll be no one left to attack it, and therefore no need to protect it."

"Kill Batman?" repeated Commissioner Gordon, rounding on him. "Are you insane?"

"Don't talk back to me, Commissioner, just do what I say!" snapped Mayor Hunt. "If you shoot him, they'll have nothing left to threaten us with. Just do it now."

Commissioner Gordon looked at him, and then dropped his gun to the ground. "Never," he muttered.

The other policemen followed suit, lowering their guns. "What's the matter with you people?" snapped Mayor Hunt, angrily. "He's just some deranged lunatic, probably no better than the rest of them!"

"He's a goddamn hero," retorted Gordon. "And if you can't see that, Mr. Mayor, then you're the lunatic, not him."

"How dare you speak to me like that?" demanded Mayor Hunt. "Shoot him now, Commissioner, or you won't be Commissioner for much longer!"

Gordon just glared at him. Mayor Hunt sighed. "Fine, I'll do it myself," he muttered, pulling out a gun and aiming it at Batman.

He pulled the trigger. The bullet came flying towards Batman's skull. And for the second time, he found himself pulled out of harm's way by none other than the Joker.

"That's two you owe me, Junior," chuckled Joker. He cut the ropes that held him and patted him on the back. "Go get 'em, slugger!" he laughed.

Batman had leapt off the roof in an instant, diving through the air and heading straight for Mayor Hunt. He flew into him, knocking him to the ground, and then turned to the crowd. "If anyone wants to hurt these people, they have to go through me," he growled. "If you want to try, stay here. If you don't, go home now."

The tension in the air was palpable. For an instant, Batman was afraid they weren't going to back down. But he wasn't altogether unfamiliar with the actions of the mob, and how docile they could become once their leader was removed. And seeing Mayor Hunt knocked from his pedestal had the desired effect. The crowd slowly began to disperse.

Batman held Mayor Hunt up by the collar. "You give me one good reason why I shouldn't let them have you," he murmured, nodding at the inmates.

"Simple. Because it would be tantamount to killing me. And Batman doesn't have the guts to kill people," snapped Hunt.

"It's not a question of guts," muttered Batman, seizing him around the throat. "If I wanted to, I could break your neck right now. And I do want to, Mr. Mayor. But I won't. Not because I'm afraid, or stupid, or because I believe you won't keep trying and trying to hurt people. But because it wouldn't be right. I'm a protector, a defender, a hero. I don't have the right to take away anyone's life. That's not my job, and it's not yours."

"And nor is it theirs, but they keep doing it!" shouted the mayor.

"And you want to be just like them, is that it?" demanded Batman. "You want to sink to their level? Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, I'm not going to let that happen. Not in my city."

"Your city full of people who don't believe in you," snapped Mayor Hunt. "People who just want the terror to stop, and are desperate to do anything to make that happen. This city deserves a better hero than you, Batman."

Batman was about to respond, when the mayor was suddenly struck in the back of the head and knocked unconscious. "I believe in him," growled Commissioner Gordon, dropping the gun he had just hit the mayor with.

Batman nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Jim," he murmured.

"Yeah, way to go, Batsy!" cheered Joker from the roof. "I'm on Team Bats!"

"You're my hero, B-man!" cooed Harley, and Joker laughed mockingly.

"Excuse me," muttered Batman, flying back over to the roof of the asylum.

"Hey, c'mon, Bats, can't you take a joke? Ow!" said Joker, as Batman punched him in the jaw.

"Everyone get back to your cells now," snapped Batman.

"Who's gonna make us, Bats?" demanded Two-Face.

Batman looked at him, and then raised his fist.

"Well, that was a really stupid question, wasn't it, Harvey?" snapped Joker, rubbing his jaw tenderly and cradling a broken arm in his cell about an hour later.

"Shut up," growled Two-Face from the neighboring cell, nursing his black eye and glaring as the doctors and guards slowly returned to their posts, trying to clear up the damage left from the siege.

"Oh, for goodness sake, look at you all!" exclaimed Dr. Leland, rushing into the cell block and staring at the wounded inmates. "What kinda stupid thing was that to do, sealing yourselves in like that? You deserve all the pain you're in, you know that?"

"Thank you, Mommy," snapped Joker. "Now why don't you go thank Daddy for beating us into a pulp and teaching us a lesson?"

"You should be thanking Batman too," retorted Dr. Leland. "He saved your lives."

"I said he was my hero, and he beat up Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "So I take it back! He ain't my hero!"

"Oh shut up, Harley, he's everybody's hero," muttered Joker. "And better him than me. I certainly wouldn't wanna be the hero in charge of this town of psychos. C'mon, Batsy, you gotta admit I was right," said Joker, beaming as Batman entered the cell block. "People are naturally crazy. All it takes is the right kinda person to make them do bad things, like the mindless little sheep they are. And you may have stopped Dicky, but another guy will take his place. It's inevitable – we're all on the funhouse slide into madness."

Batman didn't respond. Dr. Leland nodded slowly. "Maybe you are right, Joker," she murmured. "Maybe people are just sheep who will follow anyone, so long as he's a strong, charismatic individual. Mayor Hunt was one, and people followed his example. But so is Batman. And maybe if one guy can lead people into doing wrong, another one can lead them into doing right. That doesn't seem crazy to me. And I'm a psychiatrist, so I know crazy when I see it."

Joker laughed. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that, toots. It's a great gag."

His mocking laughter followed them out of the cell block. Batman nodded at Dr. Leland. "Thank you," he said.

"Don't mention it," she replied. "I believe in you too, Batman. And thanks for…protecting them," she said, glancing back at the cell block. "I know they seem ungrateful, but I'm sure deep down they really do appreciate you."

Batman looked at her. "Very deep down," she added. "I appreciate it, anyway."

He nodded again. "Don't mention it," he said, heading for the window.

"What do you think will happen to Mayor Hunt?" asked Dr. Leland.

"He'll probably be removed from office," muttered Batman. "I think he'll manage to avoid a prison sentence, though. But I believe in justice, Dr. Leland. And I don't think he'll avoid facing it, one way or another."

He flew out the window without another word and disappeared into the night.


	9. Chapter 9

"I said stop touching it, Harley!" snapped Joker, hissing in pain as Harley fussed over his broken arm.

"Mr. J, if you don't stop squirming, it's only gonna hurt more!" snapped Harley. "Now just man up and let me put the icepack on, or it's just gonna keep swelling and you're gonna end up looking like Bane or something!"

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were trying to kill me, you little brat," growled Joker.

"Morning, J, how's the arm?" asked Ivy, smiling as she entered the Rec Room. She reached out to touch it, but Harley batted her away, knocking against Joker's arm as she did so and causing him to hiss in pain again. He slapped Harley across the back of her head with his good hand.

"What the hell's the matter with you, you clumsy broad?" he demanded.

"Sorry, Mr. J," she muttered. "But Red was gonna…"

"Yeah, she was gonna, and you did!" he snapped. "Just be more careful in the future, you worthless dame!"

Harley sighed, looking in dismay at the icepack. "It's melted while you've been whining," she muttered. "Hey Freeze, think you can scare up some ice?"

"And how would I go about doing that without my gun?" asked Freeze, not looking up from the game of chess he was playing with Two-Face.

"I thought maybe you had an ice machine in that suit somewhere," said Harley, shrugging. "I'll just go get some from the kitchen," she said, standing up.

"Make me a sandwich while you're there, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker after her.

"Anything good on the TV?" asked Ivy.

"I dunno – I can't reach the remote," retorted Joker.

Ivy sighed, picking up the remote and turning on the news. "…breaking story that Gotham's former mayor, Richard Hunt, has been taken into psychiatric care after being found curled up in a corner of his basement, screaming incoherently, literally paralyzed with fear. Doctors are claiming a nervous breakdown, of a very violent and acute nature, and Mr. Hunt has responded with nothing but screams of terror at any attempt to engage with him. It is not known yet whether the condition is permanent…"

"It is," said Crane quietly, looking up from his book and smiling at the images of Hunt being flashed across the TV. "The amount of fear gas I laced that parcel with will keep him a gibbering wreck for the remainder of his life. Assuming he's able to live much longer under the kind of terror he's experiencing. Some men aren't. It all depends on the strength of the subject. And Richard was never a particularly strong individual, not mentally anyway."

The inmates stared at him. Then Joker laughed hysterically. "Well, way to go, Johnny! High five!" he said, holding up his good hand. "And…too slow!" he chuckled, bringing it down before Crane could meet it. "Come on, try again!" he said, raising it again. "Still too slow! All right, one more time! Seriously, you can trust me this time. It wouldn't be funny a third time, would it? And…you just never learn, do you, Johnny?" he giggled, as Crane missed the high five again.

In response, Crane dropped his book on Joker's broken arm. "Not funny now, is it, clown?" he retorted as Joker howled in pain.

"Oh, you are such a baby, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, re-entering the room at that moment carrying an icepack in one hand and a sandwich in the other. "Now will you just stop whining and be still!"

"You don't talk to me like that, you little brat, or I'll beat you senseless!" snarled Joker.

"I really wouldn't bully her, J," said Ivy. "You've seen what happens to bullies, haven't you?"

"He ain't a bully," retorted Harley. "He's a baby. A sweet, precious, adorable baby," she cooed, ruffling his hair. "Now, c'mon, puddin', be a good little patient and you can have some private time with Nurse Harley Quinn later."

"That meant to be an incentive or a threat?" snapped Joker.

"It's an incentive, you ungrateful bastard!" shouted Harley. "Jesus Christ, Mr. J, I dunno why I bother sometimes! Why don't you just look after yourself if you're gonna be in a bad mood?!"

She threw down the icepack and stormed from the room. "Harley, get back here!" he shouted after her. "Harley! Harley! Do what I tell you, you useless dame! Harley!"

He struggled to his feet and followed her, growling. "Women, honestly, always overreacting about nothing…"

Ivy stared after them, shaking her head. "Well, I'm proud of you, Johnny," she said, standing up and patting Crane on the shoulder. "I think Hunt got what was coming to him. And I appreciate a guy who stands up to a bully. If you ever want me to show how much I appreciate it…you know where to find me."

She kissed him on the cheek and left the room. "I wouldn't if I were you, Johnny," muttered Two-Face. "She may seem all nice and sweet on the surface, but she's a real heartless bitch underneath. I wouldn't get involved with that."

"Well…she's not exactly my type," stammered Crane, blushing slightly. "But it was certainly kind of her to…um…offer."

He glanced at the TV, which was still flashing pictures of the former mayor, and smiled to himself as he returned to his book. "So who's the real winner in the end, eh, Dick?" he murmured. "I do believe it's me."

**The End **


End file.
